BOYHOOD

Today, we went in to Arbor for the "Brain Box" Celebration in Nicholas' classroom. This was an opportunity to see the kids' latest project studying the human brain and contemplating their place in the world. I was truly amazed by the work of each and every child.

For the main project, each child created a box with pictures of him/her in various profile poses for the sides and top of the box. They also diagrammed the brain using the sides of the box and listed the functions of the various brain parts.

Inside the box, they wrote several pieces about various topics. One of the pieces focused on a memorable day of school. Nicholas wrote about his first day of school-a day I remember quite well. He wrote that he was overwhelmed by all of the grown-ups and the loud sounds in the classroom. He also told the story of how his teacher called on him when he looked quite upset that first day. It turns out that Nicholas had counted 21 children in his classroom. This got him quite agitated, and he told his teacher, "My daddy told me there were only supposed to be 20 kids in this class, but I count 21!" It turns out the director of admissions at Arbor was in the classroom at the time. To say that she takes her job seriously would be the understatement of the year. Upon hearing this, she could only smile, shake her head, and make her way to the exit. What a memory on this kid!

Nicholas was also assigned the task of writing a letter addressed to someone whom he admired. I joked with him that he shouldn't have written about me. He quickly replied, "Don't worry dad, I wrote mine to Cate!" 

In his letter, Nicholas wrote about how lucky he was to have Cate as his sister and how she was always so encouraging of him. He specifically cited an example of when he was playing a soccer game and his team was losing. Despite his team's poor performance, Nicholas said he could hear Cate loudly rooting for him on the sidelines the whole time. When he later scored a goal, it was Cate's cheers that he heard first. In proper Arbor tradition, Nicholas also placed a copy of the letter in the mail to Cate. I cannot wait to see her face when she receives it.

Finally, the parents were assigned a task during "Brain Box Day," too. We were charged with writing our child a letter-a letter that would remain unread by the child until the second to last day of eighth grade prior to graduation. 

Many thoughts went through my head as I thought about what to write. First, I thought about how my childhood was virtually free of the many joyous moments I could recall from Nicholas' childhood. I also thought about how that experience colors my own perspective to this day. 

Nicholas, on the other hand, seems to find joy in nearly everything he does, and he is not one to get down. Moreover, he is one of the nicest people whom I have ever met. I wrote those things to him, and I also stole a line from the writer Paul Kalanithi when I told Nicholas that he should remember-especially at life's low points-that he brought me greater joy than anyone else in my life and that that was an immense thing. I told him that I was proud of the boy he had been, the young man he had become, and the man I know he will grow up to be. Tears were shed as I finished up. This was not only because I more fully appreciated just how much my 10 year-old had changed over the course of the last 6 years at Arbor. I also shed tears because I realized that my time with Nicholas under my roof was finite. However, until that day, I will enjoy every minute of this young man-my son, my best friend.

PLAY LIKE A GIRL

Cate has been playing on an Under 9 (year old) "U9" Competitive team at a local futsal facility. Futsal is a five a side game played on a smaller court than a regular soccer pitch using a heavier ball. The focus of the game is ball handling and foot skills rather than speed and power.

This weekend, Rose City hosted its first competitive tournament, and Cate's team was entered in the U9 Division. The other three teams were boys teams because there was not sufficient interest from any of the girl's teams nearby, and all of us felt like our girls would be up to the challenge.

The tournament got off to a rough start as Cate's team lost 7-1 to another team from Rose City. The girls played meekly and seemed to be intimidated by the boys on the other team who were quite aggressive. However, Cate's team stormed back to win the next two game. These wins secured them a place in the Final, where a rematch with the first team they had played awaited.

In the Final, we scored first, and our girls were bossing the game. However, the other team put two goals past Cate who was playing goalie before the end of the first half. The parents of Cate's team were doing our best to motivate the girls with lots of cheering, and I must confess a little too much coaching from the stands-myself included. In the second half, our girls took control and shut the other team down. The final score was 6-3, and our girls were victors.

Afterwards, there was an awards ceremony complete with medals and a log slice trophy a la the Timbers. We cheered our girls on, and it was amazing to see the pride and the joy on their faces.

I could not be more proud of these young ladies. They showed the players and families on the other teams what it means to "play like a girl." I hope our players carry this victory with them and realize that they are the many determinants of their success and that no obstacle is insurmountable if one throws one's self into the task! I cannot wait for the next challenge!

LESSONS LEARNED

Our kids are pretty well-behaved for the most part. This is why we were a little surprised to hear that there had been an issue on the bus last week involving Cate.

When asked about it, Cate said that she and her friend were merely being loud. However, a phone call from Cate's teacher described things as a little more complicated that that. Apparently there was some  teasing and then name calling going on. Cate was a victim of the former and then was guilt of the latter.

We asked Cate to tell us the full truth about what happened that night after I got home. She was very reluctant at first and was quite upset to even talk about the matter. Finally, she told us that one of the girls on the bus had been making fun of Cate and Cate's best friend, a boy from her class. The girl teased them for being married and being in love because Cate always sits next to this boy on the bus. Despite Cate's insistence that they were not married and pleas for this girl to stop, the taunting continued. At one point the girl also remarked that there was an ugly truck driving past them out the window. I suppose Cate saw her opening because our little one retorted, "Not as ugly as your face!"

I made a point to explain to Cate that her remark was every bit as hurtful as the girl's teasing and that is was not acceptable. I also explained that I could empathize with Cate and her frustration. We talked about other ways to handle situations like this and how perhaps she and her friend should sit apart from the girl. We also explained that she should involve the bus driver and that we would speak to the girl's mom if anything like this happened again. Cate expressed understanding, and we had a big hug and a lot of tear-drying. 

What I did not say to Cate was that I was a little floored by the directness of her comment to the girl. It was a hell of a comeback for a seven year-old. Succinct, pointed, dagger. I do not condone this type of behavior, but sometimes one needs to fight fire with fire with bullies. Here's hoping there can be some sort of detente. We will add this to the list of childhood lessons learned.

 

WHEN BREATH BECOMES AIR

Every once in a while a book comes along that inspires you and moves you in a way that you forgot was possible. The memoir When Breath Becomes Air written by the late neurosurgeon Dr. Paul Kalanithi is one of those books.

What made the book so compelling was the juxtaposition of this young surgeon-scientist's promising future and the utter unfairness and cruelty of his diagnosis of metastatic, terminal lung cancer at the age of 36. Despite his medical training, there was no preparation for such a fate. However, how the author responded to such a grave situation serves as a wake-up call to us all. Life is until further notice, and despite-or rather because of-life's ephemeral quality, we must immerse ourselves in what gives our life meaning. For the author, it was continuing his training as a surgeon and becoming a father despite his terminal diagnosis.

He chose both these routes not because they were easy. Rather, he chose these routes because they were hard and because life-in his opinion-was not about avoiding painful situations. Instead, painful experiences teach us about what really matters in life.

As a youngish, Indian-American physician-scientist and part-time writer, I was moved by Paul's words and by the intimate self-portrait he painted in When Breath Becomes Air. I could not stop thinking about my own children while reading it, and the heartbreak Paul must have felt when he had to say goodbye to his infant daughter Cady. Paul's death-like many of my patients' deaths-reminds me that what matters in life is the legacy we leave behind through our deeds and actions. None of us knows when his or her last day will be, which means that we are all still works in progress. We can start each day anew and constantly strive to leave the world a little better than we had before.


We can also express our gratitude more openly to the ones we love before it is too late, and appreciate all the joys and wonders that life brings. Nothing I can write here captures Paul's spirit more than the final passage of the book he wrote to young Cady:

"When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing."

Buy this book now, and by all means pay full price! It will be the best money you ever spend. Thank you for your example Paul, and may you rest in peace.