These past ten years represent over one-quarter of my life, and it has been an eventful decade since my wife Kathleen and I eloped and got married in City Hall in New York City. That day, we were joined by my dear friend Chap Attwell. Chap was our best man, maid of honor, witness, and photographer for the event. He even took us out for lunch afterwards at a quaint little cafe called La Pescadou in Soho. A framed postcard from that restaurant like the one below still adorns our kitchen wall.
We moved from Baltimore to Portland, OR. I am certain that there are many nice places to live, but for me, it does not get any better than Portland with its liberal populace, walkability, outdoor activities, farmers' markets, bookstores, and the like.
We had a daughter. That daughter Cate is now over four and a half years old. She is driven, whip-smart, empathetic, and her brilliance is only matched by her coordination. I love her more everyday.
I am now a practicing oncologist and physician-scientist at the medical school here. There have been many bumps along the road professionally, but I seem to be settling into a groove with both research and clinical care. I hope to be promoted to Associate Professor this year, and I am confident that the committee will grant that request.
Kathleen started out working at the same medical school here but later left to join a practice in town. A Draconian leader of that practice prompted her to quit her job recently, which led to a brief respite for her and our bank balance. However, Kathleen has now found a two-day per week position back at my workplace. This part-time job will give our family the flexibility it needs to raise these two kids while still saving aggressively for college plans and (early) retirement... if there is such a thing anymore.
The more I ponder the events of the last ten years, the more one single word comes to mind - change. Our lives and our marriage have been all about change, and change is hard. Perhaps that is why marriage often seems so frustrating to me.
It is hard enough to evolve, grow, and adapt on one's own. However, when one must do that in the context of one of more individuals (wife, kids, boss, etc), life become that much more challenging.
I have tried to be a good dad, son, brother, friend, and husband this past decade, but I realize that I have probably failed more than I have succeeded. There are many reasons for this. Foremost along them is that one only has a finite amount of time or energy to give. This time and energy can only be divided so many ways. Something has to give. Work and parenting have largely won out. This means that other areas have not been given as much attention.
An untilled garden can easily become fallow. One has to work and maintain and stay one step ahead of the seasons to maximize one's yields. Marriage is no different, and the challenge in a marriage is to remember the importance of empathy and respect. If you no longer recognize the person you married or feel that they do not understand you, it is easy to become disenchanted. Parenthood, careers, and different sets of friends divert attention from marriage and amplify misunderstandings and misgivings. The trick is to step back and realize that your partner is just that - a friend and ally whom you chose to navigate this treacherous yet potentially immensely joyous road.
No one said life was easy. However, no one said that life could be as good as it has been at times in these past ten years.
None of us can predict what will happen next year... let alone next week. Time will tell if Kathleen and I have another ten years in us. I hope we do. Because if the past ten years are any guide, a lot of change - much of it positive - awaits us.
Change. Now that is something I can believe in...
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