her

This weekend, I went to see the movie "her" (spoiler alert in the link). Perhaps it is fitting that I went to see "her" by myself in lieu of going to the kids' swimming lesson with Kathleen. That is because this movie focuses on our need to re-connect and to find solace in this world that can be devastatingly lonely even when we are in relationships.

In case you have not heard about the movie, "her" tells the story of a man named Theodore who lives in the not too distant future in Los Angeles and who recently separated from his wife. This traumatic experience has exposed his frailties, and it is clear that Theodore is a lonely person.  More importantly, it also becomes clear that Theodore has significant difficulty with intimacy and forming romantic relationships. However, to the rescue comes a new operating system "OS" for his computer and phone that promises to develop a deep relationship with its user. Imagine Siri from the iPhone but with a soul and with Scarlett Johansson's husky voice.

Needless to say, Theodore develops a deep affection for his OS which (or whom) he names Samantha. She, too, appears to be falling for him. Their banter is effortless, and their affection seems limitless. I will not spoil the ending. However, like most things in life, there is a catch.

The movie was powerful on so many levels. First, "her" highlighted our increasing reliance on technology for self-gratification and fulfillment. I am not just referring to on-demand movies,  easily accessible pornography, Facebook, and the like. I also mean our interest and our reliance on sites like twitter. On this site, one can literally choose to only receive the type of news and information one wants while avoiding nearly anything that is contrarian to that world view - the "filter bubble" as they call it.

Most of our human relationships are the antithesis of these filtered worlds. This is because people do not just feel what we want them to feel or act the way that we want them to. People have their own interests, desires, and emotions. These are the things that make relationships rich. However, they are also precisely the things that make relationships challenging and that ultimately leads many of these relationships to fail.

All of this reminded that acceptance and agreement is probably the most profound thread that runs through nearly all of my most meaningful and successful relationships. Indeed, the failure of past relationships has often been preceded by a sense on my part or the other's part that that concordance has disappeared.

Indeed, I once had a very moving friendship with someone from an earlier time in my life. This was primarily an epistolary relationship and much of it was conducted through text messages, instant messages, or song e-gifts we shared. When we were connected, there was little discordance. In fact, there was nearly always congruence - congruence about politics, justice, society, film, music, you name it. The author Milan Kundera wrote in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" that we all are one-half of a soul and that our other half is floating around in someone else somewhere in the world. How amazing to find that other identical - not complementary but identical, agreeable - half.

In juxtaposition with many of my other experiences (friendships, work relationships, marriage), this was a deeply pleasurable experience. In actuality though, this relationship diminished my appreciation for my real life relationships, which naturally were more messy and challenging.

There is no free lunch, and anything worth anything has its ups and downs and starts and stops. To be human is to live in this world and take one's lumps with one's successes.

To be loved, one must be open and vulnerable. In order to love, one must treat another in a way that makes them want to reciprocate. I realize that all of this sounds a little sentimental. However, life is richest and most complex when one is able to create something from nothing and maintain it rather than having something entirely satisfying play en loop.

At least that is what I will keep telling myself...