IF YOU SEE ME, DON'T SAY HI

If you See Me, Don't Say Hi is my pick for favorite book of 2018. While there may have been better written or well-received books this year, none resonated with me as much as this debut collection of short stories by Neel Patel. While comparisons with the Indian-American writer Jhumpa Lahiri have no doubt been made, Patel's focus is not on the Indian diaspora. Rather, Patel gives voice and life to the offspring of that diaspora - first generation Indian-Americans like me.

In a recent interview entitled, "This Indian American Life," Patel recounted his experiences growing up as a first generation Indian-American in rural Illinois. It is the experience of an outsider - an experience with which I could easily identify from my own upbringing in rural Canada and suburban Oklahoma and Texas - that made this book so powerful for me.

Whether describing the angst of an Indian-American teen who realizes he is gay, a young, recently divorced Indian-American women whose community casts her out, or Indian-American brothers who  fall out of love, the desire for acceptance and community is a theme woven throughout the eleven stories in this collection.

My favorite of the bunch revolves around a young man named Krishna and his experiences growing up in Illinois in the penultimate story of the book. He is a character who is always on the outside looking in, which creates blind spots about navigating adolescence and adulthood. That Krishna's story comes full circle so powerfully in the book's final chapter- in the most tender and heartbreaking of ways - is a tribute to Patel's ability to capture his characters' humanity and their complexity.

Keep an eye on Neel Patel! He is a writer who is just getting started, and I hope he has many more tales to tell!

ELECTION '18

The final results are not quite in, but it is safe to now say that 2018 was a massive blue wave, bordering on a tsunami! While, the Democrats appear to have lost slight ground in the Senate, they did pick up a seat in Arizona and are hotly contesting a runoff election in Mississippi, of all places.

That we are licking our wounds about close losses in Georgia, Texas, and Florida tells you all you need to know. There is now a belief in our party (and in the other party) that the entire country is in play. Those who think that the electoral map is fixed and that Obama voters were gone forever can think again. Just look at the new governors in Michigan, Kansas, and Wisconsin, all Democrats, and the newly elected Senator in Arizona and Montana.

What this election tells us is that people are hungry for leadership, inspiration, and someone who can lead us out of the morass we are in politically and economically. There is no question that people are energized by the clown in chief. It is our duty to keep them engaged and send him back to the circus.

So many candidates inspired people this year. However, the truly inspirational ones were the campaign volunteers. My friend Kate gave her money, her talent, and her time to Beto O'Rourke, who came within several percentage points of pulling off an upset in the Texas Senate race. Her enthusiasm and efforts were truly inspiring, and it is movements led by people like her - not the candidates - that will turn our country around. My own dad is now getting involved with Indivisible and is prepared to do whatever it takes to elect Democrats in Texas and nationwide.

So, in the end, I am hopeful. Candidates matter. Elections matter. There are no moral victories, but this year truly reminds us that we are very close to taking the country back. Who's in for finishing the job in 2020!

THANKFUL

On this day, Thanksgiving Day, there is so much I am thankful for. First, I am constantly amazed by my family. My mom, dad, and brother, and sister may be half a continent away, but they are always in my thoughts, and I feel their unconditional love. My friends are such an important part of my life, and I am privileged to have friends from my time in Portland all the way back to friends from middle school. They, as much, as anyone, helped to make me into the person I am today. Finally, Kathleen, Nicholas, and Cate are the most important people in my life. They give me purpose and make me reach beyond my capacities to set an example for them. In the end, it is people who make life worth living.

I see patients with deathly illnesses everyday and study cancer, so I am constantly reminded how important health is. I have had minor medical issues and may one day face a major illness, myself. Until then, I am grateful for my health and for the ability to do the things I wish to do unimpeded.

Work brings much joy and meaning to my life, and I am so thankful for my teams and colleagues at work. They are the ones who make difficult experiments and transformational discoveries possible. I am so lucky to be a part of my community.

There will always be challenges and disturbances in our lives and our world and terrible presidents! However, we are living in one of the greatest eras in human history. We should remind ourselves of that during the low times. Life is not perfect, but we should strive to appreciate the good in the world while trying to improve the less good (see Election 2018)!

Everyday could be Thanksgiving, if we can only remember that Day. Hug those whom you love a little closer, be a little kinder, try to make the world a little better because life is truly until further notice.

THE NEXT BIG CHALLENGE IN YOUR LIFE

I have become quite the fan of podcasts in the past year. My favorite episode - one that I keep coming back to - is a talk by David Brooks on the Aspen Ideas Podcast called, "The Second Mountain: The Next Big Challenge in Your Life."

You can watch the entire episode here:

In the podcast, Brooks first talks about the first mountain - a very self-centered and personal ascent to gain notoriety or expertise in one's field of study or job. That is a natural ascent for nearly all of us who are lucky enough to work in a field that allows for growth and skill acquisition. However, after climbing that mountain over several years, one's perspective changes. What seemed so important - personal success, fame, power - lose their luster. It is at this time, when one is in "the valley" phase after descending from one's first mountain, that true reflection can happen.

I have spent the past 11 years trying to become a successful prostate cancer researcher and oncologist. There are many who are more accomplished than me, but I have been very fortunate to successfully obtain grants, publish manuscripts, and gain some degree of respect by my peers. While I am grateful for all those things, I often ask myself what would truly make me feel fulfilled? What mountain do I want to climb next?

There is probably not one right mountain, but what I keep coming back to is that fulfillment lies in making that ascent with the right climbing party. What does that look like? It would be a group of people who put excellence first and ego second. People who want to scale the greatest heights that others view as unascendable. People who view the journey as being as important as the destination.

I often think of soccer when I think of this second mountain, and Barca is paradigmatic. The best players come to that club not to finish their careers but to really let their careers begin. For it is by playing with the best in one of the most storied clubs that one can truly take off. I think of youth players like Messi, Iniesta, or Xavi, but also players like Rakitic, Neymar, and Suarez who learned to play at the highest level imaginable. I suspect for them, the privilege of playing at Barca with such a tremendous collection of individuals has been a reward in itself. I, too, dream of this sort of transcendence when the entire team is pushing in the same direction, where each person has a part to play, and where great victories are almost a given. That is my second mountain - to continue to grow and improve while also improving those around me.

Now, I just need the courage to take that first step.

WINNING NUMBER

A37105496. That is the number my Permanent Resident, or green card, was emblazoned with when I came to the U.S. in 1984. Despite the fact that it has been 15 years since I became a citizen and no longer needed that document, I still remember that number. That is because your life is linked to your "papers" and your "alien number" if you are an immigrant - or at least an immigrant who was fortunate enough to come to the U.S. through traditional channels

I thought more about my number in recent weeks when news broke about the forceful separation of parents and children who were undocumented immigrants in the U.S. These people did not have a number like me, but they had an even greater right to be here.

My family came for educational opportunity from another first world nation - Canada. On the other hand, the families torn apart by this administration's policies were seeking refuge from abject poverty, abuse, or even death. Who is to say that they have less right to come here than someone like me who "stood in line."

I do not know the hardship and pain those families feel. When I try to imagine what it would feel like to lose my children, or even to be forcibly separated from them for a few hours or days, my heart breaks. We are all immigrants, and we can all take a stand against this injustice. Call your congressperson, vote him/her out of office if they do not fight for immigration reform and the rights of those who are undocumented, and thank your lucky stars that you or your ancestors were able to come here when they did - probably by the same means as those from Central America today - by not standing in line.

While times are surely dark, there is reason to be hopeful and to believe that change will be possible. My own brother was sworn in (finally) as a U.S. citizen last week. That is one more Texas voter! Now, I need to convince my sister, who is still a Canadian citizen despite having lived her for 34 years, to do the same before it is too late.

May we never forgot the privilege and responsibility of being an American citizen, and may those who persevere against all odds to come here to start a better life get that opportunity to do so with their families and lives intact.

Vote!

TAKING SIDES

I have always tried to teach my children that justice is the highest principle and that character is the highest value. However, sometimes life and its events are even greater teachers than me.

Recently, on graduation night, Nicholas gathered with all of his seventh grade classmates at a friend's house.  Late in the evening, the children retired to the lawn to eat their pizza dinner and watch a movie. During the movie, a group of boys began to throw candy at one of Nicholas' classmates. Despite protests from this boy - and Nicholas who was sitting nearby, things escalated. Next, pizza was thrown at the boy, hitting not only him but Nicholas and other boys nearby. Undeterred, full cans of water and soda next rained down from the sky, hitting several boys.

While it was clear what was happening, apparently Nicholas and this boy were the only ones who called out these perpetrators or attempted to stop their behavior. In fact, several boys may have actually encouraged the perpetrators to escalate their actions. Finally, Nicholas and the boy who had apparently been targeted found the courage to find Kathleen and explain that kids were misbehaving. Kathleen and other parents quickly descended on the area and ended the party. It is a good thing I was not there because I am not sure I would have handled things as calmly as the parents who were on site.

As he left the party, Nicholas was literally shaking and in tears. His grief was somewhat assuaged by kind words via text message from many of the girls in his class who had witnessed the events. 

The next morning after learning what had happened, I spoke to the parents of the boy who had been targeted. Unsurprisingly, they were unaware of what had happened because there son did not share it with them. These parents expressed gratitude to Nicholas for speaking up and for standing up for their son. I told them that no thanks were necessary and that it was my hope that their son would do the same thing for Nicholas if he were ever in that situation.

After speaking more with Nicholas that day, I found many things troubling. First, apparently none of the children who witnessed these events appeared to be surprised by the behavior of the perpetrators. Second, no other child attempted to intervene to help the boy who had been targeted.  Further, that Nicholas said that these same perpetrators often coordinately target this boy at school to try and provoke him sickened me. In those instances, Nicholas said he often tries to calm his friend down and explain that these boys are just trying to get under his skin. 

Nicholas, himself, was bullied by classmates during sixth grade. While that seems to have stopped, it clearly left a lasting impression on him. When I asked him then about those bullies’ actions, his response was simple: these boys did not have a problem with me for six years, so maybe the problem is with them rather than something wrong with me. I am so proud that he stood up for his friend at the party, despite knowing that he may now be at risk of having a target on his back again. I assured Nicholas that the school and I would take serious measures to ensure that this behavior did not happen again and that those responsible would be held to account.

Growing up is hard. Co-existing with people who are different is hard. Learning how to navigate one’s own self-esteem and interpersonal interaction issues is hard. That is why it is critical that we prepare all children to navigate these challenges - especially when they are still young and impressionable.

Several weeks ago before the events of the party, Nicholas shared with me that he was studying “Night” and “Anne Frank" at school. When I heard that, I shared with him a powerful quote from the German theologian Martin Niemoller. It is a quote that was very relevant during the Nazi era, the night of the party, and the next day after learning more about his classmate's experiences with bullying. It is a quote that one cannot be reminded of too frequently:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Whether it is the horrors of bullying, the totalitarianism of our President and his enablers, or the injustice and indifference of the Supreme Court, we all have an obligation to make our voices heard and to stand up to power. That is the lesson I have tried to teach Nicholas and Cate. 

I have never been prouder of this boy and know that he understands the importance of taking sides. In the cruel and tumultuous world we find ourselves in, I will try my best to live up to his example.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE

They say that all goof things must come to an end. However, I never really dreamt that they would come to an end for Iniesta.

I was written about Iniesta before here, and words cannot capture what he has meant to my life. To say that he was an inspiration would not do his deeds justice. In fact, there are no words - only feelings - that capture what this man means to me.

Much of our life is drudgery, biding time, or waiting for something big to happen. However, that was anything but what I experienced week in and week out tuning into Barca or Spanish national team games for the past 8 years after I first discovered football and fell in love with the game.

Iniesta more than anyone kindled that fire in South Africa with his metronomic passing and the way he made the game come to life - like an athletic symphony or ballet. I had never seen anything live - save my children - as beautiful as that and not sure I will.

The statistics will support my claim that he is the greatest Spanish player of all time and the greatest midfielder of all time. However, statistics do not capture what Don Andres did on the field week in and week out. He always gave it his all. He always found a way to get out of the most precarious situations without losing the ball and with flair to boot. He always put the team first and prized team victories over individual ones. That he never won the Balon d'Or awarded to the best world football player is a crime, but I know he will not lose any sleep over this. He was too busy playing with his friends and achieving feat after feat.

Rather than lament the things he achieved, we will miss how he achieved them and the beauty in every touch, dribble, pass, or connection. When I see him move with his teammates - the understanding so omnipresent - I cannot help but feel jealous. For this is the greatest gift life can give us - human connection, especially with those who are not bound to us by blood or marriage. It is what I have found so damn evasive in life: understanding and appreciation at once. For me, Iniesta will always personify that, and watching him play reminds me of what we should aspire towards.

The soccer announcer Ray Hudson said it best yesterday when discussing what Iniesta's next destination might be. He said I hope he goes to a league where I will never see him play again. He wanted to remember him on his last night in a Barcelona shirt leaving on top, rather than playing with third rate teammates without his full faculties. I agree. The images below taken hours after his last match in an empty Camp Nou will always haunt me because they speak to how much this player means to the club and how much the club means to him. However, these images pale in comparison to the many delightful moments Iniesta has given me. He is a man for all seasons the likes of which we will never see again.

Good night, sweet prince.