TAKING SIDES

I have always tried to teach my children that justice is the highest principle and that character is the highest value. However, sometimes life and its events are even greater teachers than me.

Recently, on graduation night, Nicholas gathered with all of his seventh grade classmates at a friend's house.  Late in the evening, the children retired to the lawn to eat their pizza dinner and watch a movie. During the movie, a group of boys began to throw candy at one of Nicholas' classmates. Despite protests from this boy - and Nicholas who was sitting nearby, things escalated. Next, pizza was thrown at the boy, hitting not only him but Nicholas and other boys nearby. Undeterred, full cans of water and soda next rained down from the sky, hitting several boys.

While it was clear what was happening, apparently Nicholas and this boy were the only ones who called out these perpetrators or attempted to stop their behavior. In fact, several boys may have actually encouraged the perpetrators to escalate their actions. Finally, Nicholas and the boy who had apparently been targeted found the courage to find Kathleen and explain that kids were misbehaving. Kathleen and other parents quickly descended on the area and ended the party. It is a good thing I was not there because I am not sure I would have handled things as calmly as the parents who were on site.

As he left the party, Nicholas was literally shaking and in tears. His grief was somewhat assuaged by kind words via text message from many of the girls in his class who had witnessed the events. 

The next morning after learning what had happened, I spoke to the parents of the boy who had been targeted. Unsurprisingly, they were unaware of what had happened because there son did not share it with them. These parents expressed gratitude to Nicholas for speaking up and for standing up for their son. I told them that no thanks were necessary and that it was my hope that their son would do the same thing for Nicholas if he were ever in that situation.

After speaking more with Nicholas that day, I found many things troubling. First, apparently none of the children who witnessed these events appeared to be surprised by the behavior of the perpetrators. Second, no other child attempted to intervene to help the boy who had been targeted.  Further, that Nicholas said that these same perpetrators often coordinately target this boy at school to try and provoke him sickened me. In those instances, Nicholas said he often tries to calm his friend down and explain that these boys are just trying to get under his skin. 

Nicholas, himself, was bullied by classmates during sixth grade. While that seems to have stopped, it clearly left a lasting impression on him. When I asked him then about those bullies’ actions, his response was simple: these boys did not have a problem with me for six years, so maybe the problem is with them rather than something wrong with me. I am so proud that he stood up for his friend at the party, despite knowing that he may now be at risk of having a target on his back again. I assured Nicholas that the school and I would take serious measures to ensure that this behavior did not happen again and that those responsible would be held to account.

Growing up is hard. Co-existing with people who are different is hard. Learning how to navigate one’s own self-esteem and interpersonal interaction issues is hard. That is why it is critical that we prepare all children to navigate these challenges - especially when they are still young and impressionable.

Several weeks ago before the events of the party, Nicholas shared with me that he was studying “Night” and “Anne Frank" at school. When I heard that, I shared with him a powerful quote from the German theologian Martin Niemoller. It is a quote that was very relevant during the Nazi era, the night of the party, and the next day after learning more about his classmate's experiences with bullying. It is a quote that one cannot be reminded of too frequently:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Whether it is the horrors of bullying, the totalitarianism of our President and his enablers, or the injustice and indifference of the Supreme Court, we all have an obligation to make our voices heard and to stand up to power. That is the lesson I have tried to teach Nicholas and Cate. 

I have never been prouder of this boy and know that he understands the importance of taking sides. In the cruel and tumultuous world we find ourselves in, I will try my best to live up to his example.